FMA

2005-10-20T02:19:00.000-07:00

eV.elric

2005-10-20T02:15:00.000-07:00

FMA is my life,
my dream,
and my fantasy.
God, when can i ever watch teh movie
i rather not watch it anyway
cause i dont wanna see an ending i hated.
Forsaken me...
Alphonse Elric forever. <3

2005-01-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

Oh God.
My life's full of insanity.
All the things in this world are all fake.
Fake people, pure lies.
It's forever my fault.
I take everything for granted.
Now my life's ruined.

2004-12-15T02:30:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since i ever wrote here.
For now,my life's been ruined.
People mocking at me on my failure.
I just couldn't get anything right.
Oh God.
How i miss my friends.

Everything is transformed into some fucking thing.
I'm just learning to let go.
For now.

2004-10-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday.
And I'm on a computer reading friends' livejournals, and getting pissed off.That's what I'm best at. Getting pissed off and depressed. And frustrated. (Am I a teenage cliche or what?)
My sister's in the lair, sleeping.
I can barely look at her anymore.
She's a stranger.
Friday was insane, god, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, and I'll make it up to you.
Last night was insane, but no one will ever know exactly why except those involved. (not to be exclusionary)
Summer is fucking insane.
And god, am I freezing. In this warm weather, my hands feel like ice.
So far all the blood says I'm ok.
So what the hell is wrong with me?!

I'm so sorry.I wish I were more for you.

2004-10-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

I have a sinking secret in the pit of my stomach.It's gotta be for real now,With the birds drilling their songs into my head like screws.
Two nights ago I would have felt so thrilled,You came around and I failed to live up to those dreams of us.
You're perfect, and you keep wishing I was.

No amount of sunlight could compensate for this
I want to slam closed all the doors and windows,pull the cover over me and
Scream all my silence
Fall asleep to the sound of your song
Begging me for an answer to why I've done so wrong
In the candlelight avoidance of my stare
So beautiful and deserving of so much more
Same old question resounding in you

2004-10-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

Oh god.
I tried not to eat today. I didn't even get hungry at ALL.
But I caved when we came home.
Maybe I don't want to starve that much.
Oh god, I want to stop eating forever and ever. This is not self-destruction.
I swear to you, it's not, though I can't at the moment describe what it is.
Cold and clammy, and hot and sticky all at once today.
Being in school is like torture. Everyone around me are a mockery of what I can't be, what I've failed at, and will continue to fail at.
Why did I eat.

You know what?
I hate the way people talk sometimes, create this specific way of dramatizing everything.
Everything is transformed into some fucking faerie tale that it just isn't.
They all talk the same now.
The masses!

2004-10-19T02:43:00.000-07:00

This has been the most unpleasant weekend imaginable.
Well, it's over, I suppose...I always knew our family was abnormal, but I never thought we were this unstable.
I couldn't even begin to explain to you what went on this weekend. constantly.
You can't change the past, I guess.But it'd be nice to not be so hateful towards everything and everyone all of the time.
And it'd be nice to not be infatuated with starvation.No one calls me anymore.No one that I want to talk to.Everyone in this family thinks that I have all these friends, but the truth is that I don't have any.If I did I wouldn't have sat alone all weekend reading books.

2004-10-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

How much I hate him.
And I can tell him to eat ass for all those times I held my tongue.
I hold my tongue much too often.
Guess what.
I should have been doing work all day.And guess what I haven't been doing.
I don't even care about school.
I've never been more miserable in my life.
And I don't care what idiotic stereotype that makes me.
My family has really all gone truly mad.
So instead of doing work, or staring at the ceiling listening to this CD I just bought.

Oh, I came home and you were online.
I told you about how waking up on Saturday was gorgeous.
And you told me I was gorgeous.
Which rendered me speechless for about 5 minutes.

2004-10-13T05:40:00.000-07:00

This house is like one huge highly contagious disease for which there is no cure except getting out.Except there is no out.I hated it.

2004-10-08T02:34:00.000-07:00

I love A Perfect Circle, and Tool, but this is driving me crazy.
Actually, I'm just afraid she's going to 'ruin' it by overplaying it.
You know how it is...Anyway, I found all these old papers under my bed today in a spring cleaning process.
It seems like I'm always finding so many damn papers everywhere, mostly with the most unecessary shit scrawled all over them.
Notes to myself, lists, notes to remind me not to lose the lists :)
I am such a packrat.
It's truly revolting.Well the point was.
I found this paper I typed at my grandmother's house some time when I was a bit youger.. I actually wrote about everything that was going on at the moment.
I feel really good because I know now that I really did used to be caring, and not completely self-absorbed.
And adoring my brother, Jonathan, but hating the rest of us.
Thinking I'm a Satanist, or something outlandish like that.
But I used to appreciate people for their small kindnesses, instead of contemplating their every flaw.
Or thinking about how I can't trust them, how they'll fuck me over.He was right. I'm working on it.

2004-10-06T02:28:00.000-07:00

History class is a nightmare -_-;;
It's basically my fault.
I daydream too much!
Maybe that is because I get no sleep. I couldn't help it.
Some of my friends are part of a new special group.
For a minute I felt sad until I realized that I would never make it through initiation if I tried :) I'm just not cool enough.
And fuck, is it wonderful.
There are so many more important things to worry about.